My Page: Jamie McLean “Don’t Leave Us Now”

The last time I saw her alive was at a Relix holiday party in New York. I had just filmed a video for an upcoming album release and, as I walked around the corner into the party, we bumped into each other. I hadn’t expected to see her there and it was a little awkward. We had broken up a couple of years prior and things were still a bit raw. Regardless, it was good to see her, and we had a nice time catching up. She said she was doing well. She looked great. She was dating a friend of a friend and seeing lots of concerts. After a bit, we wished each other a Merry Christmas and went our separate ways.

The next time I saw her face was a couple months later on Facebook. As I scrolled though my feed, a picture of her popped up just as unexpectedly as she did at the Relix party. Again, she looked great—a holiday photo in a fancy dress, having the time of her life. A tinge of heartbreak ran though me. But it wasn’t until I read the caption underneath that my heart stopped: “Sending love up to Heaven. RIP.” At only 33, she already was gone. Suicide.

Wait. What? I had just seen her, and she seemed great. Wait. What? Why? How? When? Is this for real?

I was numb and horrified and beyond sad and confused and depressed and terrified. I immediately reached out to a couple of friends who knew her. Some had already heard. Some hadn’t. This was horrible. As the days, weeks and months went by, the biggest emotion for me was confusion. Of course, I was sad but, more than anything, I was stuck with questions. Why would a 33 year old, seemingly on top of the world, take her own life? Why would anyone do this? How did I not see this coming? Should I have reached out more? Was there something I could have done to stop this? I’ve never been able to answer any of those questions and, in talking to other people who have been affected by suicide, that seems like a common theme.

Not long after hearing about her suicide, I was sitting alone with my guitar on my couch in Brooklyn, N.Y. It was late. I was melancholy. As I stared out at the moon and the city skyline, a meditative and healing melody started to play itself on my guitar. It was calming and restorative. I was relaxing and letting go of some of the pain. I started to sing, “Maybe it’s the time of the evening/ Maybe it’s the time of your life that’s got you down/ Maybe you’re just dying for some healing/ It’s all you think about when no one is around.” I was trying to answer my own questions with these words: “Maybe it’s a change in the weather/ Maybe it’s a change in the light that’s got you down/ There are days it’s just pouring/ There are days that it barely makes a sound.” The song became “Don’t Leave Us Now.” It’s not meant to be a sad song. It’s meant to be a call to action and a song of hope for the next person that’s struggling. Perhaps people can connect to it—find some healing, some answers or simply feel that they aren’t alone.

Life is hard and complex and emotional and confusing and overwhelming. And it’s only gotten more complex and overwhelming as the years have gone by—social media and the need to be perfect, social distancing and the drawing within and away from your friends and family. Everything you could ever want to know, see or here—or not want to know, see or hear—is in your pocket and at your fingertips. It’s easy to keep “busy” or “occupied” or “fill the void.” There seem to be less moments of quietness, thoughtful reflection, honest conversation, pure and natural ecstasy. Luckily, for me, music has been a savior. Writing songs and lyrics and performing live concerts is my passion and true joy in life.

But, over the last few years, I’ve realized that I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety myself. Luckily, I never reached the darkest depths, but I could see how it’s possible to slip over the edge—especially in days like these. It wasn’t beating me over the head, and I never thought of myself as “anxious” or “depressed,” but I knew I wasn’t the best version of myself and something was “off.” Thankfully, I reached out for some help and now have support from professionals, friends and family. And it’s helped. Therapy, medication, meditation, sobriety and exercise have all helped straighten me out, bringing some clarity to an often fuzzy and noisy world. But not everybody is as lucky or hears the need to get some help before it’s too late.

If you’re struggling, then there is a way out and a way to heal and a way to be happy. Don’t leave us now.

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National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

Call 800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Better Help Therapy: Visit betterhelp.com

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Jamie McLean Band released their new album, One Step Forward, on October 25 via Harmonized Records. Tracked at Brooklyn’s Grand Street Recording, the project was engineered and mixed by Ken Rich and mastered by Whynot Jansveld.